There we two songs my husband would play loud, to make me realise I must be compliant. I believed it was all my fault, if I could just be a better wife, do what I was supposed. I was drained and low self-esteem, but the lower and the less I believed in myself the worst things became. Chase ’n’ Status – Let You Go You say we can't go on this way; Things have got to change When your gone, and each day, A choice gets made, you think it's yours to make, But your wrong There's nowhere to run. No place you can go. Nowhere you can hide, Where you won't be found There's no place on earth, Where you could lay low Wherever you are, I will track you down There's no way in hell, I will let you leave Let you just get up, And walk out on me There's no way on earth, Hell would have to freeze More than twice before I will let you go! https://youtu.be/aBFEBeOTGXc?si=C5jgwh8J662FvY-5 Guns N’ Roses – Used To Love Her I used to love her, ooh yeah, but I had to kill her I knew I'd miss her, she's buried right in my backyard she bitched so much, she drove me nuts, I guess we're happier this way I had to put her six feet under, and I can still hear her complain https://youtu.be/ItPj7oZFN94?si=kY8aiLlSMnRJnJd_ Music is powerful, but there are also lovely songs aren’t they. It was after I left that Chase ’n’ Status released ‘Time’ If you can find the time, to give your love to me I will wait for you, If that's all you need If you can find the time, if ever you're free Just drop me a line and tell me where you'll be I'll be right here, If you can find the time Just be sincere. If you can find the time https://youtu.be/we9jeU76Y9E?si=8RFrPAMLoNynt-oJ The video was powerful and made me start to really recognise the impact on my children. Watching the video was life changing, especially to see that at the end this came up. Thank you Chase ‘n’ Status. You would have thought from that first song I wouldn’t have liked them, but they realised the exact explanation of what I was going through and still really connect with my emotions. They happen to now be my most favourite music artists. If you are feeling vulnerable or scared of partner, ex-partner or family member, reach out for support. They will not judge you, or insist you leave, but look at safety planning and a way forward. Let’s break that cycle too for our children, who will often repeat the way they experienced their childhood. Morepositiveme.co.uk/J9

Making a major life change—such as moving on after domestic abuse—can definitely be stressful, but it can also be an opportunity to drop a few bad habits and make positive changes to your lifestyle. If you’ve been experiencing stress, anxiety, relationship issues, or depression, this could be the best time to start making better choices. Whether you want to work on your mental health, physical health, or just boost your confidence and start setting goals, there are several ways to get started. Here are some ideas from More Positive Me on how you can use a period of transition in your life to develop positive change: Become your own boss Is your job a source of your stress? Do you feel stuck in a workplace that doesn’t value you or allow you to move up? Maybe you’ve experienced a setback at work that’s left you feeling uncertain about your skills. Many people are discovering the benefits of working for themselves, which include the opportunity to work from home, the chance to do something you truly love for a living, and the ability to extend jobs to others while contributing a worthwhile product or service to your community or society as a whole. There are several funding opportunities available for individuals with great ideas , including grants and crowdfunding platforms , and you can also find resources online that will help with the process of structuring your business. Take charge of your career Not ready to start your own business? It’s still possible to take charge of your career by making some changes that benefit your goals. If your job doesn’t fulfil you anymore, or if you simply want to make a big change to your income possibilities, consider embracing a different path for yourself. You might go back to school to earn an advanced degree or start updating your resume so that it accurately reflects your skills, certifications, and abilities. Look online for a free resume template that allows you to start with a professional format and customise it with your own text, fonts, colours, and images in order to make the entire process stress-free. A Google Doc offers a resume template, and you can save or email a PDF version of your Google Doc once you’ve completed it. This is very helpful during your job search as you can create different resume versions tailored to the specific jobs you’re applying for without having to bother with printing. Change your environment Whether you’re starting a new job or moving to a new city, this is a great opportunity to change up your living environment for the better. Give your home a deep clean, declutter thoroughly, and go through your belongings to see what you might be able to throw away or donate; you might even make some extra money by selling a few items online. Getting organised and removing clutter from your home can help you feel more in control while boosting your mental health and even your sleep quality, and doing so now will enable you to make a smooth move or start your new career without stress. Focus on your needs Experiencing a major life change of any kind can throw everything into focus, including how much time you spend on yourself. Staying busy and working toward your goals can be a good thing in short amounts, but when you’re unable to care for your mind and body, it will start to take a toll. Getting better sleep , fitting in activity, and taking steps to listen to your needs by practising mindfulness are all great ways to focus on yourself even when you have a lot going on. Using a life transition to your advantage shouldn’t be stressful. Take your time, start small, and think about what kinds of changes you need to implement in order to be happy. For more resources for survivors of domestic abuse, visit More Positive Me today! We are currently Crowdfunding for our next round of face to face courses across Devon. Please take a look, donate if you can, every little helps. https://www.avivacommunityfund.co.uk/p/empowerment-after-domestic-abuse-1

What is domestic abuse? Domestic and intimate partner violence (DV/IPV) has a few different names. Some people call it domestic abuse . Others prefer the term relationship abuse, as the abuser doesn’t actually have to live in the same residence as the abused for the mistreatment and violence to occur. Whatever you call it, domestic abuse is physically and mentally devastating. Relationship abuse and domestic violence can happen to anyone. In an abusive relationship, the abuser physically harms, arouses fear, prevents their partner from doing what they wish, or forces them to behave in ways they do not want to. They do this through tactics including violence, economic deprivation , and psychological manipulation . Abuse isn’t always obvious. Sometimes, abusers use subtle and continual behaviours as a means of gaining control over their partner. Warning Signs of Domestic Abuse It’s never easy for a person to admit the person they love is abusive. Many people stay in denial of their situation until it is too late. Sometimes, the abused isn’t necessarily in denial, but they hide their partner’s actions out of fear or shame. While these warning signs are certainly not all encompassing, they are likely to be observed in a domestic abuse situation: ● Evidence of physical abuse, including bruises, busted lips, and sprains. The abused may try to hide these marks with makeup, clothing, and sunglasses. They may excuse the marks as evidence of them being accident-prone. ● Abused people may complain of sleep disorders. The anxiety and physical stress abuse creates can cause insomnia or hypersomnia disorders. ● If the abused has transitioned from being bright and outgoing to suddenly being withdrawn and unusually quiet, it could be cause for concern. ● Abuse wreaks havoc on a person’s self-esteem. The abused may show signs of depression , substance abuse , and uncontrollable anxiety. ● Abusive partners have a deep desire for control. The abused has to ask permission to go somewhere, the abuser is constantly “checking in,” and the abused often misses out on plans for vague reasons involving their partner. Getting Out of Domestic Abuse If you or someone you know is in a domestic abuse situation, the most important thing to do is get out and stay out. This is a lot easier said than done. The abused may still have feelings for their abuser, and will make up excuses for their behaviour in hopes that they will someday change. But they won’t. And staying in an abusive household is life-threatening. To leave, set up a safety plan . Your safety plan should include where you are going to go, what you are to take with you, and the necessary precautions you can take to protect children and pets. Once you are out of the house, it is important to stay out. More than any other time in a violent relationship, a woman is 70 times more likely to be murdered in the few weeks after leaving her abusive partner. Starting Over If you or someone you know is lucky enough to get out of their domestic abuse situation, the next step is finding a new place to live and starting over . Whether you want to buy or rent, working with an estate agent can take a huge burden off your shoulders. It’s critical you partner with someone you feel is trustworthy and discrete, so be sure to ask them questions that will help you feel confident about their experience and expertise.​ Research the best prices and neighbourhoods in your region to start your property search. And don’t rush into buying something if you feel uncertain. For example, an as-is property might have an alluring price tag, but the last thing you need right now is a home fraught with issues . If you can’t afford to invest in a new home, there are advantages to renting an apartment instead. Look for a complex or building where visitors must check in with security before they can enter. This extra barrier can help protect you if your partner discovers your new residence. *** Millions of people every year suffer from domestic abuse and partner violence, you are not alone. There are people available to provide support and resources that can save your life. And when you’re ready to move forward, More Positive Me offers support services and resources to help you to recover and rebuild your life.

On the 7th December Jeanette appeared on Riviera.fm interviewed by David Thomas as part of 16 Days of Action. https://www.mixcloud.com/RivieraFM/good-morning-torbay-david-thomas-7th-december-2021/

The Williscroft Judgement - Andrew Griffiths, former Conservative MP, raped his wife Kate Griffiths, MP, made her submit to sexual demands, spat at her, and threatened to make her homeless.

Busy entrepreneurs who are focused on getting the most out of their business shouldn’t forget to set aside time for themselves. Even if you love your work and are excited about pursuing career goals, an exclusive emphasis on productivity can lead to burnout. You might be so intent on running your business, you don’t realize you’re in danger of burnout until it hits you — then, suddenly, your work isn’t fun anymore. As a result, you may be swamped with feelings of exhaustion, irritation, and even hopelessness. Taking time off for self-care can help reduce the risk of burnout, which will allow you to keep your business running smoothly and — even more importantly — maintain your overall personal wellness. Understand the real value of self-care. It can be hard to grasp the importance of self-care if you have bought into the idea that efficiency and hard work necessitate a constant grind. It doesn’t help that the term is often misused, to suggest or indulgence or even selfishness, instead of routine activities geared towards meeting your basic human needs. Think about your sense of responsibility to family and loved ones. You want to see them happy and thriving and know this is not remotely the same as indulging them. Now apply the same idea to yourself, and you’ll see that self-care is often the opposite of indulgence: it is a responsibility you have toward yourself. Implement physical self-care practices. You won’t be able to run your business efficiently if you are physically worn out, deprived of energy, or experiencing any pain or discomfort. So, make a list of things you can easily do to improve your physical wellness. Eating healthy can be difficult when you are busy, so figure out ways to eat better while on the job, such as switching out big greasy lunches for healthy salads or sandwiches on whole-grain bread. See if you can fit a workout into your day, whether it’s an hour at the gym or a ten-minute walk in the fresh air, or even short exercises incorporated into your work routine. If you are experiencing physical aches and pains, ask a healthcare professional whether stretching exercises or physical therapy can help. You may also want to invest in ergonomic office furniture if you spend a lot of time sitting down. Self-care goes beyond the physical. When you practice self-care, you are tending to your mental and emotional wellness too. While many of the habits that aid in physical health all lend themselves to improved mental health, there are also practices you can implement that are geared specifically toward the health of your mind and emotions . For your psychological well-being, consider practicing meditation or try deep breathing exercises . Take time to unwind by journaling or doing a creative activity such as sculpting or watercolor. Of course, if you are experiencing serious anxiety or depression, you should reach out to a professional for help. Self-care means setting boundaries. Having clear and established boundaries is especially important for entrepreneurs who feel they always need to bring their work home. Yes, there are times when it’s impossible to shrug off your worries, but when you can, establish boundaries between work and life, and prioritize personal or family time. This will be easier to accomplish if you make a habit of delegating instead of feeling you must micromanage everything. One way to make more time for yourself is to hire a virtual assistant who can keep up with the busy work for you. Check out job boards and compare the virtual assistant cost to see whether this option might be helpful for you. These suggested self-care practices are all intended to be aids and supports, not magic fixes. And everyone is different, so your techniques for self-care might differ from those that work for others. Find out what helps you stay happy and upbeat, and integrate it into your lifestyle. If you have difficulty practicing self-care because of past trauma, More Positive Me has many different resources and materials that can help. Gabriel Patel enjoys writing about health and wellness. He co-founded Health Well Wise with a group of friends who share the desire to help people live happy, healthy lives. healthwellwise.com Image via Pixabay

It wasn't until I moved from my home to the office that I really noticed how many books I had collected over the last 10 years. I used to laugh at peoples new year resolutions to read the books they had before they bought new ones, but probably because it resonated with me. I haven't really been a fan of The Kindle or any form of eBook, preferring pages flicking, closing the book and seeing how far I had got. The smell of a new book, or a catalogue for that matter, evokes such memories of new discoveries and adventures. I still have books on an Amazon wish list, so if I'm making a purchase I can add in one of the books I've been recommended, I've just added another three today. The books I'm recommending in this blog aren't novels or fantasy, they are ones that have changed my life with the knowledge they bring. They have helped me transform my life from feeling helpless and alone, to feeling empowered, worthy and capable. They made me realise I was not going mad, that this happens to so many people and we just don't talk about it. Therefore, we don't have the tools to deal with our situations or that of friends or colleagues. I'll only share what I have read and let you know why it made the list. I'll add to it as I go. If you have any recommendations, pop us an email info@morepositiveme.co.uk. Here are two of my favourite authors to get us started. Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That, Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. https://amzn.to/2ZIwDZ7 Recommended by my IDVA at the time, when I just didn't 'get it' Lundy made sense of everything that was going on, explaining actions and reactions and how I could not 'fix' someone I loved. I could however look after myself and my children. Everything Lundy said made sense, it helped he was male, I had a huge lesson to learn that all men were not the same, this American guy in a tank top taught me so much. I'm a huge fan. Robin Norwood - Women Who Love To Much https://amzn.to/2CuFOne I'm not sure how i discovered this one, There are several scenarios with this one, you are highly likely to kind one that resonates, they all have the same advice, showing how, when you run around trying to appease an abuser, you are in fact enabling them. It reminded me of the film 'He's just not that in to you.' It takes a great pressure of you tring to make it work, all you need to do is nothing. This book also follows up with Letters from Women who love to muc h ( https://amzn.to/39bdKBk ) the author after writing the book with letters from women who had their light bulb moment reading the book. Robin Norwood - Daily Meditations For Women Who Love Too Much https://amzn.to/2OGdhO1 Perfect paragraphs to read one a day to affirm our self worth, especially if you enjoyed reading 'Women Who Love Too Much' Lundy Bancroft - Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?: Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men https://amzn.to/32A0tAY Daily paragraphs to read, on different themes that keep you, or get you, on the right track, making sense of the madness of a controlling relationship. I bought these on DVD and listen to them on the journey to work.

Self-care has so many benefits, but getting into a good self-care routine can feel difficult, and tends to be one of those things that get's put off, or we tell ourselves that we are just too busy. If this sounds like you, then this is exactly why you need to introduce good self-care into your life. Self-care introduces balance and let's be honest who doesn't need that? When we have good self-care we feel able to give people more, our concentration and energy levels are great and it improves our self-worth and self-esteem, sounds like a win-win doesn't it! You'll be more productive Do you find that life feels like you are on a permanent treadmill, running from one job to the next? While desperately feeling like you need a break? Imagine if you took that break, just some time for yourself doing what makes you happy, how would you feel doing this as part of a routine? Taking time out, and doing something that you enjoy regularly, you'll find that you will be more productive, and setting some time aside in your routine means that you will always have that time to look forward to. Improves Relationships Self-care isn't just all about bubble baths and facemasks or even a trip to the gym. Self-care is also knowing when to say no. Have you ever found yourself in a position where someone has asked if you could do something for them, but you are so swamped already? perhaps you are thinking "I really don't need this right now!" Despite all of this, you still find yourself saying "Yes". Saying "no" or even "not at the moment" can make all the difference for YOU, if you tie yourself up in knots all the time for others, they won't receive the best of you. You may feel, grumpy, tired, and even resentful because they asked you in the first place, and a snappy person isn't an easy person to have a relationship with. It leaves people wondering what they have done and possibly, feeling hurt. Saying no is saying yes to yourself and healthier relationship. Improves our immune systems When we introduce self-care techniques into our lives our immune system becomes stronger. Stress and the chemicals we get from it are not good for our health, when we constantly flood our bodies with stress chemicals we become prone to illness', which could start as the odd spot here or there, fatigue, rashes, or even diarrhoea. When we look at illness' like autoimmune diseases, asthma, or eczema we already know that these illnesses' are made worse by stress. Getting the right nutrition and exercise is important to maintain these conditions, but rest and relaxation are as equally as important too. So you see there are hidden benefits to self-care, and ultimately self-care is about introducing and maintaining balance in our lives. So many of us ignore the signs of stress and continue to plod on through, and yet if we broke a leg, we wouldn't be doing the shuffle dance and risk damaging our leg even more! we would be resting and taking time to recover. I was recently asked to be a guest speaker in a online course, it's designed to support people to introduce and maintain good self-care habits in their lives. It's a really worthwhile course and you'll see a few appearances from me! Click here to take a look, and start your self care journey! Laura Sollis, Time for you - Counselling and Psychotherapy 11 Gandy Street, Exeter Devon & The Lady Mills Centre, Deep Lane, Crediton, Devon laurajsollis@gmail.com Telephone : 07895848591

Stephanie has been a guest speaker at both our Newton Abbot & Exeter groups. Here, and at our sessions, Stephanie talks about change. People change all the time, in fact we are all changing all of the time. Learning, growing and adapting. Even if you think you are someone that struggles with change, trust me, you have made changes in your life, whether conscious or unconscious. I was recently invited to give a talk for a group of amazing ladies at More Positive Me. I asked each one to share something they had changed. Wow it was amazing there where so many things they had changed, some because they wanted to and some because well life demanded it, either way, some serious mistresses of change in the room. I have had the privilege of working with 1000’s of people, as well as supporting and training a large number of practitioners, health workers and lots of different professionals. A large proportion of my work is around habit and addiction. What that has given me is a unique insight into how people change, what they do when they want their lives to be different. The bottom line is anything is possible. It really is, I have seen it, again and again. It doesn’t matter what you have been through, your background, where you have come from, where you live or don’t live. I have seen people from all walks of life make changes and live happy healthy lives. It boils down to one thing. If you have learnt it, you can unlearn it. Think about all the things you have learnt: how to walk, talk, read, write, drive, parent, your jobs, the list is endless, we are constantly learning new things. You probably found some were easier than others and some you had to work at. If you can learn these things, then you can unlearn other things like bad habits. Such as being too busy, smoking, drinking, drug use, anything that doesn’t support you or stops you living the life you want. Here are some tips to get you started: Start at the beginning. How do you want things to be? Then when you have that, reverse engineer it. • What are the steps you need to take to achieve what you want? • Is it realistic? • Is it achievable in the time frame? Ask yourself these questions. Is it in your gift? This one is important, can you change it, is it about you? Remember we can’t change others. “A habit is a recurrent unconscious pattern of behaviour that is acquired through frequent repetition.” Did you get that? So, when creating a new habit, keep going, practice, persistence and patience are all important when making changes. For instance, giving up smoking or drinking may take some time and it may take a few attempts but it’s a journey. Keep learning, use what works and don’t give up giving up. Here are some of the key things I have seen when people make changes. Now it doesn’t mean you have to have all of them or do all of them, but a good few helps: • They take action and then they keep taking action. This one is at the top for a reason, it’s so important, nothing happens unless you do something. • They learn to not get caught up in failure. In fact, remove the word failure from your vocabulary. There is no failure only feedback, learn when things don’t work out. No one is perfect. We learn by making mistakes, embrace this way of thinking. It’s going to really make a difference. • Small steps. Remember the reverse engineer? Break it down into bite-size chunks, what do you need to do this month? This week? Today? Keep it small, simple and achievable. • Whatever you do if you take a bad habit away, put something else in, it’s the balance of life, it really works. I see people have way more success when they put things in. • If you can’t change it, leave it. If you can’t leave it, accept it. This is a biggy, if there is something difficult in your life that stops you, be honest. Can you change it? If you can’t change it can you accept it? • Figure out what motivates you. So, you want to take a break from drinking, why? Figure that out and it will really help. • Self-belief. Do you believe in change? Seriously, do you? Do you believe that you can change? • Support. It’s ok to ask for help, there are so many great blogs out there, lots of self help books, on-line forums, loads of great information. Find what works for you, but if you really want to change something and its not happening, get some support with a good coach or therapist trust me, it will make all the difference. • Have a mindset that is about learning, we are always learning, if we are open to it. • Ask yourself what is stopping you? There will always be parts of our life that we can’t change, that’s just life, that’s the bit about acceptance. But there are always bits we have a choice about, no matter how tough it gets. Find the choice and change the bits so life works for you. Its your life. Stephanie Chivers is a Habit and addiction specialist, curator of the highly popular Women Who Don't Drink and author of There-is-no-magic-button-e-book . Check out her website https://www.ichange21.com/ for more blogs and information about her on line coaching programmes and 1-1 work.